《辛普森一家》简介：

《辛普森一家》是美国电视史上播放时间最长的动画片，到目前为止共有19季，共416集。

这部片子用辛辣的讽刺展现了人类的生存状态，主要讽刺美国中部的生活模式，以致更广泛的美国文化、社会、甚至是电视本身。在4频道的节目“100个最伟大的儿童节目”(2001)及“100部最伟大的卡通片”(2005)中，《辛普森一家》都名列榜首。另外在“100位最伟大的荧屏形象”中荷马•辛普森也名列榜首。辛普森一家被许多评论家看作是有史以来最伟大的动画。时代杂志在2000年将之题名为20世纪最伟大的电视节目。它对于流行文化的影响至今无可比拟。

辛普森一家以虚拟的美国小镇斯普林菲尔德（Springfield）为背景。在播出期间影迷们试图通过Springfield小镇的特点，周围的地理情况作为线索来寻找其确切的地点。(像在"这都怪丽莎"一集中，丽莎的巴西孤儿笔友写道“我试着给你写信，但我不知你住在哪一州”，对此，丽莎回答说：“这虽然有些神秘，但只要你关注一些线索，你会找到的。”)几乎美国的每一个州和地区都被猜测过是Springfield的所在地，但都因矛盾的证据而被推翻。因此理论上说，Springfield无处不在。例如，在“笑声背后”一集中，辛普森一家被描绘成一个北肯塔基家庭，但肯塔基州的Springfield却不在州的北部。后来，地点转移到南密苏里州(密苏里州的Springfield在密苏里的西南部)。作者马特高宁（Matt Groening）声明Springfield与他成长的城市波特兰（俄勒冈州）有更多共同点。他之所以用Springfield这个名字是因为美国几乎每个州都有一个小镇或城市叫这个名字。



人物简介：

1、荷马，是Springfield核能工厂的安全检查员，总体说来是一个善意的小丑。
2、马芝，曾经是一个很有深度的女人，但渐渐地适应了主妇生活的定式。
3、巴特，辛普森家的长子，经常惹麻烦(丽莎曾经说他是“无法无天年轻人的一个恶作剧”）。巴特认为自己是反叛者。
4、丽莎，是一个很聪明的学生，素食主义者，佛教徒，爵士乐迷。(她被认为是家庭的希望)。
5、马姬，是一个永远长不大的孩子。尽管许多年明显的过去了(有许多关于圣诞节的情节)，辛普森一家人却没有变老。
                剧中还有许多配角，包括同事，老师，远房亲戚和当地名人等。许多这些角色也形成了他们自己的追随群体。



电影手册：

      《辛普森一家》经常用辛辣的讽刺来攻击权威，这就解释了为什么社会保守主义者会不喜欢它。几乎剧中的每一个权威式的人物都有缺点。荷马粗心大意，不负责任，与20世纪50年代荧屏父亲截然相反。马芝对她的家庭实施专制统治来缓解她的孤独。Springfield的警长Clancy Wiggum是一个肥胖、愚蠢、懒惰、办事敷衍塞责的人。市长听起来很像甘乃迪，却是一个腐败，荒淫无度的花花公子。Reverend Lovejoy是当地的牧师，吹毛求疵，满口道德，他单调的声音总是让荷马在星期天布道上睡著。种族关系也是剧中的讽刺主题，黑人总是被刻画得更聪明，比如卡尔、赫波特医生；现实中的白色人种在剧中统统被描绘成黄色皮肤,而黄色人种的中国人日本人在剧中却是白色的皮肤。剧中也经常讽刺商业习惯和人的性格。
　

开场

　　每一集的开场是《辛普森一家》最令人难忘的特点之一。很多集一开始就通过镜头从剧名缓缓移向普林菲尔德小镇，接着是回家路上的辛普森一家人。刚一走进房间，他们都会懒洋洋地卧躺在沙发上看电视。《辛普森一家》剧集极富特色的主题曲由音乐大师丹尼·艾夫曼于1989年作曲。《辛普森一家》的马特·格罗恩宁亲自登门拜访，力邀艾夫曼完成这项重任。这个脍炙人口主题曲是艾夫曼耗时两年打造，成为他职业生涯最受欢迎的歌曲之一。

　　

万圣节特集

　　万圣节特集已成为《辛普森一家》一年一度的传统。《恐怖树屋》(Treehouse of Horror，1990年)在每个万圣节剧情中讲述了三个既独立、又相辅相成的故事。这些剧集通常会涉及辛普森一家在一些恐怖、科幻或超自然场景下的表现，经常模仿或向类似风格的著名作品表示敬意。不过，制作人员凭借独特的叙事手法，让这些故事的发生并不影响《辛普森一家》的整体连贯性。



目录：
The Simpsons season1——第一页2楼
The Simpsons season2——第四页51楼
The Simpsons season3——第七页100楼
The Simpsons season4——第九页135楼
The Simpsons senson5——第十一页158楼
The Simpsons senson6——第十二页180楼

[ 本帖最后由 枫情浪子 于 2008-7-24 19:49 编辑 ]

Bart the General                                   Written by John Swartzwelder
                                                    Directed by David

  Interior of the oven, cupcakes baking.  Homer opens the door, and Marge
explains that Lisa's baking them for her teacher.  Door closes.  Bart
opens the door and reaches in, but Marge yanks him away.  Lisa
ices the most recent batch of chocolate cupcakes...
   
   Bart:  You know, there are names for people like you.
   Lisa:  No there aren't.
   Bart:  Teacher's pet!  Apple polisher!  Butt-kisser!
   Homer: Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!
   -- ``Bart the General''
   
Homer tells Bart it never hurts to grease the wheel, but Lisa denies that
she's doing it for the grades.  She gets good grades because she pays
attention and studies hard.  Homer grabs a cupcake, and the kids dash off
when the school bus horn honks.  Lisa nips back in time to grab the
cupcake before Homer can eat it.  (``D'oh!'')
Bart complains to Otto that Lisa baked a batch of cupcakes for her teacher
and isn't letting him have even a single crumb.  Lisa hands over a cupcake.
``Here, Otto.  I made an extra one for you.''
Bart takes the seat next to Lisa, and when the bus sets into motion, the
box jostles, and Bart helps catch it.  Lisa grabs the box back.
   
   Bart: You sniveling toad!  You little egg-sucker!
   Lisa: [holding secure her box of cupcakes] Tell me more!
   Bart; Back-scratcher!  Boot-licker!  Honor student!
   Lisa: [smirking]  You'll never get one now, name-caller.
   Bart: All right, all right.  Look, I'm sorry.  I, I got upset.
         In the heat of the moment, I said some things I didn't mean.
   Lisa: [milking it] You weren't thinking, were you.
   Bart: No.
   Lisa: I'm <not> a sniveling toad, am I?
   Bart: Not really.
   Lisa: I'm <not> a little egg-sucker, am I?
   Bart: Of course not.
   Lisa: Then what am I?
   Bart: A beautiful human being.
   Lisa: [coyly]  What do you like best about me?
   Bart: [staring at the cupcakes] Well, I'd have to say...
         Your generous nature, your spirit of giving.
   Lisa: Well... [thinks]  Open your mouth and close your eyes, and you will
         get a big surprise.
   Bart: [does so]
   Lisa: [gets up.  The bus stops, and a cupcake falls out of the box.
         Lisa picks it up and shoves it into Bart's mouth, then leaves]
   Bart: [munching]  Thanks, Lis.  You're the best!
   -- ``Bart the General''
   
Once off the bus, a bully grabs the cupcakes and goes through the box,
taking one bite out of each before discarding it.  Bart threatens the
boy, but Lisa warns Bart that the kid is a friend of Nelson Muntz.
The boy pretends to hand over the box, but drops it and stomps on it.
This proves too much for Bart, who leaps to attack the kid.  A scuffle
ensues (with the other kids cheering), and a hand reaches in and grabs
Bart.  It's Nelson, who holds Bart harmlessly at arm's length, then
tosses him aside.  Nelson is bleeding.  He explains that he always
gets other people's blood on his face.  But this time, it really <is>
his blood.
   
   It was an accident, man.  A terrible, ghastly mistake.
   -- Bart tries to talk his way out of another jam, ``Bart the General''
   
A cold wind blows.  Skinner stops by.  ``Play friendly, children.''
The bell rings.
   
   Nelson: [threateningly] I'll get you after school, man.
   Bart:   But...
   Princ. Skinner: Oh no no no, he'll get you after school, son.
           Now hurry up, it's time for class.
   Bart:   But...
   Princ. Skinner: [shooing]  Scoot, young Simpson!  There's learning to be done!
   -- ``Bart the General''
   
During class, Bart daydreams...  Nelson is now a giant, who chases Bart
down the hallway.  Bart throws knives at him, which he merely pushes
away after they embed in his chest.  Bullets from a machine gun merely
bounce off him.  Bart is trapped, and giant-Nelson grabs Bart and says,
``Lunchtime!''  Bart falls down Nelson's throat...
``Lunchtime, Bart,'' says Milhouse.  Milhouse tells Bart he has to
tell Skinner, but Bart refuses to violate the code of the schoolyard.
They reach the lunchroom, where Lisa introduces ``Bart the bully-killer!''
   
   Look, everybody.  I would just as soon not make a big deal out of this.
   I'm not saying that I'm not a hero.
   I'm just saying that... I fear for my safety.
   -- Bart, ``Bart the General''
   
Nelson and his two cronies push through the crowd.  The other kids scoot.
Nelson tells Bart to be at the flagpole at 3:15.  And not to be late.
He has four other meetings that afternoon.
Bart daydreams in class again...   It's his funeral.  Open casket.  (Bart
has his lunchbox tucked under his arm.)
   
   Otto: [at Bart's wake]  Good-bye, little dude.
         [to Principal Skinner]  He looks so lifelike, man!
   Principal Skinner: Yes, the nurse did a wonderful job reconstructing his
         little face after the fight.  Good-bye, son.  I guess you were right.
         All that homework <was> a waste of your time.
   -- Wake me when it's over, ``Bart the General''
   
   Thanks, Bart!  We got the day off from school for this!
   -- Milhouse attends Bart's wake, ``Bart the General''
   
Homer gleefully says he got the day off from work for this.  Marge jabs
him in the ribs, and Homer acts in a manner more befitting the situation.
Marge and Maggie bid Bart farewell.  Lisa holds a cupcake.  ``I can't
help but think if I had just given it to you in the first place,
this whole horrible tragedy could have been avoided.''  She leaves it
on his forehead.  Nelson comes up and takes the cupcake.  ``Hey, look!
They've got food at this thing!''  He then gives Bart a parting punch.
The 3:15 bell rings.  Bart tries to sneak out (hiding behind ridiculous
things), but Nelson blocks his way.
   
   Nelson:  Put 'em up!  [circles his fists]
   Bart:    [raises his hands in surrender]
   -- ``Bart the General''
   
Nelson pummels a helpless Bart.  Bart eventually collapses.  ``Boy, you
sure taught <me> a lesson.''  Bart is dragged off and dumped into a trash
can.  ``I'm going to get you again tomorrow, Simpson.''  Bart takes a
free ride in the garbage can down the street.  Bart mutters, ``Man, that
guy's tough to love...''
[End of Act One.  Time: 7:24ish]
Bart climbs out of the garbage can onto the Simpsons front lawn.  He falls
and crawls inside.  Marge seems concerned, but Homer just laughs it off.
Bart goes into the bathroom, takes a quick look in the mirror (``I'm gonna
miss ya, big guy'') and sits in the tub, moaning in pain.  Homer pops in,
at Marge's insistence.  Bart tearfully asks Homer's help.  The first step
is to dry Bart's tears, which Homer does with a high-power hair blower.
   
   Bart:  Well, I had a run-in with a... bully.
   Marge: [bursts in] A bully!?
   Homer: [annoyed] Come on, Marge!  I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa!
   Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this.
   Bart:  I... guess I could do that.
   Homer: What!?  And violate the code of the schoolyard!?
          I'd rather Bart die!
   Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer!?
   Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge!  The rules that teach a boy to be
          a man.  Let's see.  [enumerates them on his fingers] Don't tattle.
          Always make fun of those different from you.  Never say anything,
          unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.
          What else...
   -- Rule number four:  Girls have cooties, ``Bart the General''
   
Marge will hear nothing of this.
   
   Marge: This bully friend of yours.  Is he a little on the chunky side?
   Bart:  Yeah, he's pretty chunkified, all right.
   Marge: Mmm.  And I'll bet he doesn't do well in his studies, either.
   Bart:  No, he's pretty dumb.  He's in all the same special classes I am.
   -- ``Bart the General''
   
Marge suggests he try talking it out, but Homer drags Bart away. ``Thank
you very much, Mrs. Maharishi Gandhi.''
Down in the rumpus room, Homer draws a face on a punching bag and invites
Bart to do his worst.  Bart feebly punches it.  ``No, no, not like that.
Like this!''  Homer leaps onto the bag, clawing and chewing.  He spits
out a mouthful of cloth.
   
   Homer: You didn't expect that, did you.  And neither will he.
   Bart:  You mean that I should fight dirty, Dad?
   Homer: Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules
          a little in order to hold our own.
   Bart:  Amen!
   Homer: So the next time this bully thinks you're going to throw a punch,
          you throw a glob of mud in his eye!
          And then you sock him [pounds fist into hand] when he staggers
          around blinded!
   Bart:  [getting into it]  Yeah!
   Homer: And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.
   Bart:  Gotcha.
   Homer: [quietly] And if you get the chance, get him right in the family jewels.
          That little doozy's been a Simpson trademark for generations.
          [punches the punching bag down low]
   Bart:  [cringes]  Thanks, Pop.
   -- The rules of the schoolyard, Simpson style, ``Bart the General''

[ 本帖最后由 枫情浪子 于 2008-5-10 10:16 编辑 ]

Bart skids to a halt on the schoolyard when Nelson appears.  Nelson squares
off for a fistfight, so Bart throws mud in his eye.  Nelson rubs it off
and marches onward.  Homer appears in a thought balloon.  ``The family
jewels, son.''  Bart lunges for Nelson, who holds him safely away at
arm's length.  Dream-Homer shrugs.  Bart's-eye view of Nelson's fist
approaching.  Dream-Homer cringes as Bart is beaten (offscreen) to a pulp.
His lucky red hat obvious didn't help.  ``Oh, no.  Not the can, please.''
Lisa sits on the curb licking a green ice cream cone.  (Spearmint?
Pistachio?)  Bart rolls in.  He coughs up his lucky red hat.
   
   Lisa: Why don't you go see Grampa?
   Bart: What can <he> do?
   Lisa: He'll give you good advice.  He's the toughest Simpson alive.
   Bart: He is?
   Lisa: Yeah, remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home?
   -- ``Bart the General''
   
At the Springfield Retirement Home, Bart asks to see Grampa.  Heads poke
out of doors all down the hall.  Grampa Simpson.  Heads return, disappointed.
Grampa types an angry letter.
   
   Dear Advertisers,
       I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television.
   We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs.  Many of us are bitter,
   resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment
   was bland and inoffensive.  The following is a list of words I never
   want to hear on television again.  Number one:  Bra.  Number two:  Horny.
   Number three:  Family Jewels.
   -- Grampa Simpson, ``Bart the General''
   
Grampa tells Bart, ``If you don't stand up for yourself, bullies are going
to be picking on you for the rest of your life.''  Jasper comes in and
demands Grampa's newspaper so he can do the crossword.  A fierce struggle
ensues, and Jasper wins.  Grampa realizes he can't be much help, but
he knows someone who can.
They go to Herman's Military Antiques.
   
   Herman: [whispers] What's the password?
   Grampa: Let me in, you idiot!
   Herman: Right you are.  [opens the door]
   -- ``Bart the General''
   
Grampa introduces Bart.
   
   Bart:   Uh, Mr. Herman?
   Herman: Yes?
   Bart:   Did, did you lose your arm in the war?
   Herman: My arm?  Well, let me put it this way:  Next time your teacher tells
           you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it!
   Bart:   [nervously]  Yes, sir.  I will.
   -- ``Bart the General''
   
Grampa explains that Bart's having trouble with a local bully named Nelson.
   
   Herman: How many men do you have?
   Bart:   None.
   Herman: You'll need more.
   -- ``Bart the General''
   
Herman produces a map.
   
   The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street.
   The Greeks knew it.  The Carthaginians knew it.  Now <you> know it.
   -- Herman, ``Bart the General''
   
   First, you'll need a declaration of war.  That way, everything you do will be
   nice and legal.
   -- Herman, giving Bart advice on dealing with a local bully,
      ``Bart the General''
   
Herman uses a slightly modified one from the Franco-Prussian War.
   
   Bart:   Pssst.  Grampa, I think this guy's a little nuts.
   Grampa: Oh yeah?  Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts.
           And this guy's completely out of his mind!  We can't fail!!
   -- ``Bart the General''
   
[End of Act Two.  Time: 14:29ish]
At Springfield Elementary, a note is passed around.  It reads, ``If you
hate and fear Nelson, meet at Bart's treehouse.  1500 hrs.  (3pm).''
Bart's treehouse is packed, but Bart is late.  He staggers in, bruised,
coughs up his lucky red hat, and hangs it up.
   
   Bart:     Okay, we all know why we're here, right?
   Milhouse: No, why?
   Bart:     To fight Nelson, the bully.  That guy has been tormenting all of
             us for years, and I for one am sick of it!
             I can't promise you victory.  I can't promise you good times.
             But the one thing I do know...
             [all the kids file out]
             Whoa!  Whoa!
             I promise you victory!  I promise you good times!
             [kids cheer]
   -- Give 'em what they want, ``Bart the General''
   
Bart's infantry marches in time, each soldier equipped with a helmet.
   
   Bart: I got a B in arithmetic.
   Army: I got a B in arithmetic.
   Bart: Would have got an A but I was sick.
   Army: Would have got an A but I was sick.
   -- ``Bart the General''

[ 本帖最后由 枫情浪子 于 2008-5-10 10:16 编辑 ]

Swing-ring practice.  Milhouse misses a ring and falls to the ground.
(``Aaagghh!'')  Then is knocked over by another trainee.  (``Aggh!'')

Climbing the monkey bars.  A helmet falls.  Luckily, everyone below
was wearing their helmets.

Collision avoidance drills.  One of the kids falls into a dustbin.
(``Oomph!'')
   
   Bart: We are rubber, you are glue.
   Army: We are rubber, you are glue.
   Bart: It bounces off of us and sticks to you.
   Army: It bounces off of us and sticks to you.
   Bart: Sound off.
   Army: One!  Two!
   Bart: Sound off!
   Army: Three!! Four!!
   -- ``Bart the General''
   
Crossing the stream.  The rock in the middle of the water turns out to
be a kid wearing a helmet.

The kids march through mud as General Bart (wearing shades and chewing
on a piece of grass) watches.

Silhouetted against the setting sun, the kids climb the monkey bars.
One kid slips.

Munitions training.  Bart points at an easel, on which is mounted a
schematic of a water balloon.  The balloon in Bart's hand bursts.

Battle simulator.  Kids run past an angry dog.
   
   Bart: What's the matter with you, soldier!
   Boy:  It's my nerves, sir.  I just can't stand the barking any more.
   Bart: Your nerves!  [slaps the kid]  I won't have cowards in my army.
   Grampa: [whaps Bart]  Sorry, Bart.
         You can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff,
         you can send them off to die on some God-forsaken rock, but for
         some reason you can't slap them.
   -- ``Bart the General''
   
   Bart: In English class I did the best.
   Army: In English class I did the best.
   Bart: Because I cheated on the test.
   Army: Because I cheated on the test.
   Bart: Sound off.
   Army: One!  Two!
   Bart: I can't hear you!
   Army: Three!!  Four!!
   -- ``Bart the General''
   
Simulated hand-to-hand.  The kids attack a stuffed bag.  Lewis uses a
plunger.  Another boy uses a dust mop.  Milhouse attacks with a fly
swatter.

Bart calls, ``Okay, next group!  Martinez!  Steinberg!  O'Hara!  Chang!
Olajuwan!  Herman!''  Herman attacks the bag with a bayonet.
   
   Bart: We are happy, we are merry.
   Army: We are happy, we are merry.
   Bart: We got a rhyming dictionary.
   Army: We got a rhyming dictionary.
   Bart: Sound off.
   Army: One!  Two!
   Bart: One more time!
   Army: Three!  Four!
   Bart: Bring it on home now!
   Army: One!  Two!  Three!  Four!
         One!  Two!  ... Three-Four!
   -- ``Bart the General''
   
In the treehouse, a scale model of Springfield is laid out on the table,
with saltshakers used to indicate troop placement and strengths.  During
the strategic planning, the shakers are pushed around with those pusher
things Army people use.  Intelligence reports that Nelson shakes down
kids at the video arcade for quarters, then heads to the Kwik-E-Mart for
a cherry Squishee.
   
   Herman: When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing.
           You got the water balloons?
   Bart:   [salutes]  Two hundred rounds, sir.  [holds a balloon]
           Is it okay if they say `Happy Birthday' on the side?
   Herman: Urgh.  I'd rather they say `Death from Above', but I guess we're stuck.
   -- Saturation bombing with a smile, ``Bart the General''
   
Herman sketches the strategy.
   
   It's a classic Pincer's Movement.  It can't fail against a ten-year-old!
   -- Herman lends Bart military advice, ``Bart the General''
   
Lewis reports Nelson's position, and Bart calls everyone to battle stations.
Yells Herman, ``I feel so alive!''
   
   I thought I was too old.  I thought my time had passed.  I thought I'd never
   hear the screams of pain, or see the look of terror in a man's eyes.  Thank
   heaven for children!
   -- Grampa Simpson, ``Bart the General''
   
Nelson and his two goons return from their Squishee-fest, and Bart blocks
their path.  ``Nelson, I'm afraid I'm going to have to teach you a lesson.''
``Oh yeah?  You and what army?''  ``This one.''  Bart's troops emerge from
their hiding places, water balloons poised.  (One accidentally goes off
early.)  Bart yells, ``Commence saturation bombing!''  Nelson and his
goons are pummelled with water balloons.  They make a run for it, but
their escape route is blocked off.  Nelson runs past the Simpsons house,
with the army in hot pursuit.
   
   Homer: All right, you kids!  Keep it down!  Am I making myself cl--[oomph]
          [Homer is hit by a water balloon]
   Grampa: [giggles]  Heh heh, got him!
   Homer: You!  Up in the tree!  The tall grey-haired kid!  You come down
          here right now!
   Grampa: [pegs Homer in the face with another balloon]
   -- ``Bart the General''
   
Nelson and his goons are trapped.
   
   Goon #1: Don't hurt us!
   Goon #2: We surrender!
   Goon #1: We were only following orders!
   -- A likely story, ``Bart the General''
   
The army go after Nelson and saturate him at point-blank range.

Bart and Milhouse parade Nelson, tied up in the wagon.  Lisa stands
in the street surveying the damage, when a soldier boy rushes up
and kisses her, the moment captured forever in a photo.  (Some soldiers
have all the luck.)  Lisa slaps him.  ``Ewwww, knock it off!''

Bart says, ``You learned your lesson, so now I'll untie you.''
Nelson threatens, ``The second you untie me, I'm gonna beat you to
death, man.''  So Bart decides never to untie him.  Nelson scoffs,
``You're going to have to, sometime.''  Bart realizes Nelson is right.
Herman steps forward, ``I was ready for this little eventuality.''

Nelson (still tied up) watches TV on the Simpsons couch, while Herman
finishes the armistice.
   
   Article Four:  Nelson is never again to raise his fists in anger.
   Article Five:  Nelson recognizes Bart's right to exist.
   Article Six:   Although Nelson shall have no official power,
                  he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighborhood.
   -- Terms of surrender, ``Bart the General''
   
The parties sign the agreement.  Marge asks, ``Are you boys through
playing war?''  Bart unties Nelson, and they say, ``Yeah.''
``Then here are some cupcakes!''  Cupcakes are enjoyed by all.
Maggie belches.

Fade to a library.  Bart sits on the reading table.
   
   Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.
   Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun.
   There are no winners, only losers.  There are no good wars, with the
   following exceptions:  The American Revolution, World War II,
   and the Star Wars Trilogy.  If you'd like to learn more about war,
   there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool,
   gory pictures.  Well, good night, everybody.  Peace, man.
   -- Bart's disclaimer, ``Bart the General''

Maggie places an `E' block atop a teetering pile.  She admires her work,
then in a flurry of arms, knocks them all down.  A Scrabble (tm) tile
falls to the floor, and Lisa picks it up.  Pull back to reveal that the
rest of the family are playing the classic word game.  Bart waits
impatiently for Marge to make her move, and she does:  She places an `H'
on the board to spell `HE'.  Now it's Homer's turn.  He grumbles, ``How
can anyone make a word out of these lousy letters!''  Homer's rack contains
the letters O-X-I-D-I-Z-E.  He decides to play the `D' to spell `DO'.
Lisa places an `I' above the `D'...
   
   Lisa:  `Id', triple-word score!
   Homer: No abbreviations.
   Lisa;  Not I.D., Dad, `id'.  It's a word!
   Bart:  As in ``This game is stoop-id''.
   -- Playing Scrabble (tm), ``Bart the Genius''
   
Lisa reminds Bart that he's supposed to be building his vocabulary for
tomorrow's aptitude test.  Marge suggests they check the dictionary, and
Homer is surprised that they have one.  It's currently being used to
prop up the couch.  Lisa looks up the word and confirms her score.
Now it's Bart's turn.
   
   Bart:  Here we go.  Kwyjibo.   [places his tiles] K-W-Y-J-I-B-O.
          Twenty-two points, plus triple-word-score, plus fifty points
          for using all my letters.  Game's over.  I'm outta here. [gets up]
   Homer: [grabs Bart with his left hand, holding a banana in his right]
          Wait a minute, you little cheater!
          You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.
   Bart:  Kwyjibo.  Uh... a big, dumb, balding North American ape.  With no chin.
   Marge: And a short temper.
   Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [leaps for Bart]
   Bart:  [making his escape]  Uh oh.  Kwyjibo on the loose!
   -- Playing Scrabble (tm), ``Bart the Genius''
   
Springfield Elementary School, before the morning bell.  Kids on the
playground, doing standard things.  Playing marbles.  Skipping rope.
Playing some combination of kickball and dodgeball.  Spraying graffiti.
Spraying graffiti?  Oh, it's Bart, completing a ``I am a weiner [sic]''
of Principal Skinner.

Martin squeals on Bart.  Milhouse warns Bart, who quickly discards his
can of spraypaint.
   
   Pr.Sk:  Whoever did this is in very deep trouble.
   Martin: And a sloppy speller, too.
           The preferred spelling of `weiner' is W-<I>-<E>-N-E-R,
           although E-I is an acceptable ethnic variant.
   Pr.Sk:  Good point.
   -- Either way, he's still a weiner.  ``Bart the Genius''
   
Skinner orders the kids to show their hands, and Bart is literally caught
red-handed.  Skinner schedules a chat with Bart.  The usual time and place.
(Skinner's office, after school.)

The bell rings, and the kids file in.  Martin asks Bart not to hold a
grudge; he was merely protecting school property.  Bart responds, ``Eat
my shorts.''  Ms. Krabappel hands out the IQ tests.
   
   Now I don't want you to worry, class.  These test will have no effect on your
   grade.  They merely determine your future social status and financial success.
   [looks at Bart]  If any.
   -- Ms. Krabappel administers an IQ test, ``Bart the Genius''
   
Martin reminds Ms. Krabappel that Bart is supposed to turn his desk towards
the window so he can't cheat.
   
   Remember to visualize the complex problem.
   And relaaaaax.  The test will start... [looks around calmly]  [yells] Now!
   -- Ms. Krabappel administers an IQ test, ``Bart the Genius''
   
Pencils hit paper.
   
   Bart: [reading a test question]
         The 7:30am express train travelling at 60 miles an hour leaves Santa Fe
         bound for Phoenix, [chews on his pencil] 520 miles away.
   Ms.K: Shhh!  [points to her head]  Visualize it, Bart!
   Bart: [visualizing in black-and-white]  At the same time, the local train
         travelling 30 miles an hour and carrying 40 passengers leaves Phoenix
         bound for Santa Fe.  It is eight cars long and always carries the
         same number of passengers in each car.  [Bart counts five passengers on
         the train car (the number hovering over each passenger's head)
         and visualizes 40 / 8 = 5.  The train travels through a numerical
         landscape.]
         An hour later, a number of passengers equal to half the number of
         minutes past the hour get off, and three times as many plus six
         get on.  [Bart and his equation are trampled by the passengers.]
         At the second stop, half the passengers plus two get off, but twice
         as many get on as got on at the first stop.  [Trampled again.
         Bart spits out a number.]
   Train conductor:  Ticket, please.
   Bart: I don't have a ticket!
   Train conductor:  Come with me, boy.
         [drags Bart off.  Numbers circle Bart's head]
         We've got a stowaway, sir.
   Bart: I'll pay!  How much?
         [the train engineer is... Martin!  Shoveling numbers into the engine.]
   Martin: Twice the fare from Tuscon to Flagstaff minus two thirds of the fare
         Albuquerque to El Paso!  Ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!
   -- Math is Hell, ``Bart the Genius''
   
The two trains crash into each other, throwing Bart into the air...

... and onto his back on the classroom floor.  Ms. Krabappel tells Bart
to stop distracting the others, but Martin isn't distracted.  In fact,
he's finished.  Ms. Krabappel lets Martin go outside and read under a
tree.

Bart returns to his seat and exchanges faces with Martin through the
window.
   
   What are you looking at, Bart!  Are those naughty dogs back again?
   -- Ms. Krabappel catches Bart staring out the window, ``Bart the Genius''
   
While Ms. Krabappel looks outside, Bart grabs Martin's test, changes
the name to `Bart Simpson' and replaces it.  He then writes `Martin
Prince' on his own sheet and fills in the dots randomly.

Marge and Homer walk through the schoolyard.  Marge maintains that Bart
is merely a sheep that has strayed from the fold and needs to be hugged
extra hard.  Homer answers, ``That's exactly the kind of crapola that's
lousing him up!''  Homer is impressed by Bart's graffito.

Marge and Homer reach the principal's office.
   
   Pr.Sk: I caught your son defacing school property this morning.
          We estimate the damage is $75, and frankly, we think it's terribly
          unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill.
   Homer: Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you going to do?
   Marge: [whispers to Homer]
   Homer: Oh no.  He can't mean that.  [to Principal Skinner]
          My wife thinks you want <me> to pay for it.
   Pr.Sk: That <was> the idea.
   Homer: Oh.
   -- ``Bart the Genius''

While Homer writes out a check, Principal Skinner shows them a
sloppily-scrawled absence note which reads ``Please excuse Bart.
He was sick.  Homer Simpson.''  But he changes his assessment of
the note as a forgery when he sees Homer's handwriting on the check...

In comes Dr. J. Loren Pryor, district psychiatrist...
   
   What do <we> need a psychiatrist for?  We know our kid is nuts.
   -- Homer, ``Bart the Genius''
   
Dr. Pryor informs all that Bart is, believe it or not, a genius.
   
   Dr.J:  The child is not supposed to know his own IQ, of course, but
          as you can see, it's beyond the range of any doubt.
          [hands Homer a slip of paper]
   Homer: Nine hundred and twelve!!?!?
   Dr.J:  Uh, no.  You have it upside-down.  It's two hundred and sixteen.
   Homer: [disappointed] Oh.
   -- ``Bart the Genius''
   
   Dr.J: [measuring Bart's head with calipers]
         Tell me, Bart, are you ever bored in school?
   Bart: Oh, you bet.
   Dr.J: Mm hm.  Do you ever feel a little frustrated?
   Bart: All the time, sir.
   Dr.J: Uh huh.  And do you ever dream of leaving class to pursue your own
         intellectual development on an independent basis?
   Bart: Oh, like you're reading my mind, man.
   -- Great minds think alike, ``Bart the Genius''
   
Dr. Pryor explains that when a genius is forced to slow down to that of
a `normal' person, he tends to lash out (indicates Bart's disciplinary
folder).
   
   Pr.Sk: I think we should re-test him.
   Dr.J:  No, I think we should move him to another school.
   Pr.Sk: Even better!
   -- Bart is identified as a genius, ``Bart the Genius''
   
Dr. Pryor suggests that Bart enroll in a school for the gifted, where there
are no rules, no homework, nothing to stifle intellectual creativity.
Bart's eyes open wide and he eagerly accepts.
   
   Homer: My son, a genius!?  How does it happen?
   Dr.J:  Well, genius, like intelligence, is usually the result of heredity
          and environment.
   Homer: [stares blankly]
   Dr.J:  Although in some cases, it's a total mystery.
   -- ``Bart the Genius''
   
[End of Act One.  Time: 8:04]

At the breakfast table, Bart squirms as Marge combs down his hair.  Once
she's gone, he musses it back up.  Homer suggests Bart wear a tie (since
all boy geniuses wear ties), but Bart refuses to let it stifle his
creativity.
   
   Marge: It's a big day for you.  Why don't you eat something a little more
          nutritious.
   Homer: Nonsense, Marge.  Frosty Krusty Flakes is what got him where he
          is today!  [looks at the box]  It must be one of these chemicals
          here that makes him so smart...  Lisa?
   Lisa:  [looks up from her granola]
   Homer: Maybe you should try some of this.
   Marge: Homer!
   Homer: I'm just saying, why not have <two> geniuses in the family?
          Sort of a spare, in case Bart's brain blows up.
   -- First day of genius school, ``Bart the Genius''
   
Lisa tells Bart, despite the testing, she still insists he's a dimwit.
Bart replies, ``<This> dimwit is on easy street.''

On the drive to the Enriched Learning Center for Gifted Children, Bart
tells Homer to take the scenic route.  They finally arrive, and Bart
discovers that all the boys are wearing neckties.
   
   Bart:  Oh no, ties!
   Homer: Don't worry, son, you can have mine.
          Here, let me show you how to put on a tie.
          [takes off his clip-on]
          The hook goes over the top, and these things go in there.
   -- ``Bart the Genius''
   
Homer kisses Bart.
   
   Now go on, boy, and pay attention.  Because if you do, someday, you may
   achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations:
   You may outsmart someone!
   -- Homer drops Bart off at the Enriched Learning Center for Gifted Children,
      ``Bart the Genius''
   
Homer shoves Bart into the classroom, where Ms. Mellon [pron. /mel-LON/]
introduces him around.  They have only one rule:  Make your own rules.
``If you feel sleepy, take a nap.  If you get bored, feel free to take
out a book and start reading.''  Bart sifts through the shelf and discovers
a Radioactive Man comic.  Ms. Mellon tosses it into the trash, but Bart
fishes it back out.

Bart is introduced to his classmates.  Ethan speaks in palindromes.
(``O Memsahib, Bart.  Rabbi has memo.'')  Sidney speaks in backwards
phonetics.  (``Trabing norm doog!'')  Bart reacts appropriately.
Cecile is performing a virus experiment on hamsters.
(``I wouldn't get too attached, Bart.  We're dissecting him next week.'')

Class begins.  Ms. Mellon invites everyone to greet Bart (and they do,
in assorted foreign languages).  They continue yesterday's discussion on
the existence of free will, and Ian's contribution sparks Ms. Mellon to
ask the class for examples of paradoxes.  Hands go up, save one.
   
   Ms.M: Bart, what other paradoxes affect our lives?
   Bart: [looks around nervously; all stare at him]
         Well, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.
   -- ``Bart the Genius''
   
Lunchtime.  Bart is swindled out of his lunch by the other students.

[End of Act Two.  Time: 12:36]

Bart sits on his bed sipping a soda and reading a Radioactive Man comic.
Homer comes in and offers to celebrate Bart's first day at genius school
with a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes.  Marge and Lisa pop by.
   
   Marge: Bart, I feel so bad for going so many years without... mmm...
          mmm... What's that word where you encourage something to grow?
   Bart+Homer: [stare blankly and hum ``I dunno'']
   Lisa:  [brightly] Nurturing.
   Marge: ... nurturing your brilliant brain.
   -- ``Bart the Genius''
   
   Marge: I got tickets to the opera tonight.  Hurry up, get dressed,
          it starts at eight.
   Bart:  [whining] Oh, Mom, not tonight...
   Homer: Come on, Bart.  Your mother's only trying to help, so go ahead
          and enjoy the show.
   Marge: Homer, you're going, too.
   Homer: But I'm not a genius!  Why should <I> suffer!?
   -- ``Bart the Genius''
   
Marge bought an expensive box.  Bart tells Lisa to keep an eye out for
the guy selling peanuts.  The overture begins...
   
   Toreador, oh, don't spit on the floor.                                  \\
   Please use the cuspador.                                                \\
   That's what it's for.
   -- Bart at the opera, ``Bart the Genius''
   
   Marge: Bart, stop fooling around!
          Homer, stop encouraging him.
   Homer: Don't stifle the boy, Marge.  We're <supposed> to encourage him.
   -- At the opera, ``Bart the Genius''
   
The opera continues.  Homer and Bart get bored and make snoring noises.
   
   Homer: Who's the lard-butt?
   Lisa:  He's the bullfighter.
   Bart:  No way the bull's going to miss a target that big!
   -- At the opera, ``Bart the Genius''
   
Homer and Bart make flatulent noises.  Marge just covers her face.

Homer grows impatient, but Bart reminds him, ``It ain't over 'til the
fat lady sings.''  Homer asks, ``Is that one fat enough for you, son?''
Homer stands up.  ``Let's go get a burger.''

Back at school...
   
   Ms. M: So \math y = r^3/3 \math.  And if you determine the rate of change
          in this curve correctly, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
   Class: [chuckles]
   Ms. M: Don't you get it, Bart?  Derivative \math dy = 3 r^2 / 3 \math,
          or \math r^2 dr \math, or \math r\,dr\,r\math.
          Har-de-har-har, get it?
   Bart:  [not amused]  Oh, yeah.  [forced laugh]
   -- Making math fun, ``Bart the Genius''
   
Bart trudges home and walks past his graffito, now roped off and
tagged, ``The Principal.  By Bart Simpson.  IQ 216.''  Bart tries
to join his friends, but they don't want anything to do with him.

Bart glumly eats dinner.  Marge calls to Bart and Homer, ``Come on, you
two.  Don't forget the film festival!''  She and Lisa leave.  Homer
apologizes, ``Sorry, Bart.  Your mother bought us tickets for a student
movie by some Swedish meatball.''  Bart tries to confess, but Homer
suggests they play catch, which they do into the night.  ``So what was
it you wanted to tell me, son?''  ``Uh, nuthin' Pop.''

Chemistry class.  Ms. Mellon is unable to find a lab partner for Bart,
who is busy mixing and matching.  She asks what he's doing, and Bart
explains that ``it's really top secret, man.''  Ms. Mellon asks, ``But
you <do> know what happens when you mix acids and bases, right?''
Bart responds, ``Of course I do.''  He mixes.

Cut to exterior of the ELCfGC.  The entire top floor overflows with
green goo.  Back inside, everyone is coated in goo.  Bart: ``Sorry.''
Cecile's hamster escapes.

Bart (still covered in green) is called into Dr. Pryor's office.  The
good doctor wants to know what the matter is.
   
   It doesn't take a Bart Simpson to figure out that something's wrong.
   -- Dr. J. Loren Pryor, ``Bart the Genius''
   
He asks what he can do, and Bart wants to return to his old class.
Undercover.  ``I could pretend to be a regular, dumb kid.''  He
can then study them to ``see what makes them tick''.  Dr. Pryor
leaves to discuss the matter with Principal Skinner, and asks Bart
to write up his proposal.  Bart tries to write a proposal, but fails,
so he instead writes his confession.

Dr. Pryor returns and reads the proposal.  ``You know, you misspelled
`confession'.''

Bart returns home (still coated in green) and explains that he had a
little accident in chemistry class.  Homer takes Bart outside to wash
it off with turpentine.
   
   I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors
   before he invented the light bulb.
   -- Homer, ``Bart the Genius''
   
Bart confesses, but adds that ``the past few weeks have been great.''
He tenderly lists the things the two have done together and concludes,
``I love you, Dad.  And I think if something can bring us that close,
it can't possibly be bad.''

Pause.

``Why you little!!!!!!!''

Bart makes his escape (naked) through the house (``I think Bart's stupid
again, Mom,'' remarks Lisa) and locks himself in his room.  Homer pounds
the door as Bart hops onto his bed, grabs a soda, and reads a comic book.
Homer tries to sweet-talk Bart out, but Bart catches on.  ``You think
I'm dumb enough to fall for that?  I'm insulted.''  After a ``D'oh!'',
Homer resumes his pounding, with even more force than before.

Call of the Simpsons                               Written by John Swartzwelder
                                                      Directed by Wesley Archer

Quotes and scene summary

While Homer waters the flowers, Bart (unhappily) mows the lawn with a manual
mower.  Todd putters past atop the Flanders' sit-down mower.  Bart asks
Homer why they can't have a decent mower, and Homer tells Bart to behappy
with what he has, ``Don't try to keep up with the Flandereses [sic].''
Just then, Ned pulls up in his shiny new RV, and Homer is flabbergasted.
Ned rattles off the features, including the satellite dish on the roof.
   How can you afford something like this, Ned?  I mean, I get your mail
   once in a while, and you make only $27 a week more than I do.
   -- Homer, ``Call of the Simpsons''
The answer is simple:  Credit.
Homer takes the family to ``Bob's RV Round-Up''.  The salesman spotseasy
quarry.  Homer asks to see their best RV, better than Flanders'.  Cowboy
Bob shows them ``The Ultimate Behemoth'', a two-story monster.
   Bart:  Does it have its own satellite dish, sir?
   Bob:   You can tell your son it has its own satellite---the VanStar 1
          launched last Feburary.
   -- The Simpsons shop for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
Cowboy Bob ignores Marge's repeated questions as to the Behemoth's price.
   Homer: Does it have a deep fryer?
   Bob:   Four.  One for each part of the chicken.
   -- The Simpsons shop for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
Cowboy Bob shows them inside.  Fireplace.  Giant-screen TV.  Full-sized
refrigerator.  Crystal chandelier.
   Bart: Aye, Carumba!
   Lisa: This is better than our house!
   -- The Simpsons shop for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
Homer finally asks how much it costs.  Cowboy Bob lays it on thick and
takes Homer to the credit office.  There, he assures Homer that the
credit check is purely a formality, but it's part of the procedure.
``I don't own the place, even though my name's up there.  Long story.''
   Bob:   [running a credit check]  [presses `Enter']
          [sirens wail and lights flash]
   Homer: Is that a good siren?  Am I approved?
   Bob:   You ever known a siren to be good?
   -- The only good siren is a dead siren, ``Call of the Simpsons''
``That was the computer [...] telling me, sell the vehicle to this fellow
and you're out of business.''
   Homer: Don't you have something that isn't out of my price range?
          I don't want to go away empty-handed, Bob.
   Bob:   Take it easy, willya, huh?  You'll ruin this feeling I'm getting
          from ya...
   -- Shopping for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
He shows them a bucket of bolts that is miraculously still in one piece.
Homer asks, ``Is it used?''
   Simpson, you'll never own a better RV, and I don't mean that in a good way.
   I mean, literally, buddy.  This is for you, you know.  It's this or a wagon.
   -- Cowboy Bob sells Homer an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
Cowboy Bob pulls every slimy tactic in the book to panic Homer into buying
the RV.  The rest of the family don't seem too happy by the turn of events.
The RV coughs to a stop in front of the Flanders' house, where Homertakes
the opportunity to gloat.  He then turns his attention to his family.
   Homer: Everybody ready?
   Bart:  I hate this.  I don't want to go.
   Homer: That's the spirit!
   -- Going camping, ``Call of the Simpsons''
   Ready or not, Nature, here we come!
   -- Homer takes the family camping, ``Call of the Simpsons''
The RV (packed to the gills) putters down the street.
Traffic has backed up behind the slow-moving RV.
   Bart:  Turkey farm?       Skunks?       Slaughterhouse?
   Lisa:                No.           No.                   No.
   Marge: What are you kids doing?
   Lisa:  We're playing ``Name that Odor''.
   Bart:  Dad's feet?
   Homer: Bart!
   Lisa:  You win, Bart.
   Homer: Lisa!
   -- Games to play in the car, ``Call of the Simpsons''
Bart whines, ``Are we there yet?''  Homer replies, ``Go back to your smell
game.''
The RV makes a turn off the main road, and it wanders through the woods.
Marge consults her map.
   Marge: Homer, I'm telling you, this is not the Interstate.
   Homer: Pffffft.  Maps.
   -- Marge the navigator noties something amiss, as the RV drives through the
      woods, ``Call of the Simpsons''
   Shouldn't we stop somewhere and ask for directions?
   -- Marge the navigator, as Homer drives the RV through the woods,
      ``Call of the Simpsons''
``Don't worry, this is an all-terrain vehicle!''  Homer tests the hypothesis
by driving into a lake.  Marge's feet get wet.
   Lisa:  Mom, I'm scared.
   Marge: Don't worry.  We all are.
   -- Safety in numbers, ``Call of the Simpsons''
The RV returns to dry land, and Homer throws the RV into high gear.
(Amazing!  It has more than one gear!)  The RV crashes through bushes.
Homer asks, ``Whaddya think, should we stop here?''  Everybody yells,
``YEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!''  Homer slams on the brakes.  Curious, the horizon